A Minute Without You
by aerisofthewhite
Summary: This is the hardest part waiting, wondering, not knowing, being useless, feeling like its all your fault... A oneshot from Jasper as he waits for Alice to come home.


A one-shot, because Alice and Jasper deserve more of these.

Motivated by the quote: "His eyes were only for Alice."

Disclaimer: Twlight, its sequels and all associated characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

* * *

_All this feels_

_strange and untrue,_

_and I won't waste_

**_A Minute Without You._**

_This is the hardest part- waiting, wondering, not knowing, being useless, feeling like its all your fault..._

He's never liked surprises. Never. Not good or bad or a mixture of both and certainly not over something so important. He hates them and he hates this- not knowing. If she were here, she could tell him what was coming, so that he would stop worrying and prepare for it, instead of pacing about uselessly. But if she were here, then there would be no reason to pace- he'd have his answer. And right now he's not sure if he wants to know.

He's never felt so aggravated, so helpless in his life or so pathetic. Not in all of those times when he broke, when he made mistakes, especially in front of the others, when he showed them- her, how weak he really was. Not even when Edward raced from the airport, Bella's letter clutched in his hand and he knew he was entirely to blame.

Because this time there is no clear outcome. There is no end in sight, no solution and no way of knowing. She's not here, and he can't see if she'll make it, if they'll be too late, if she'll be able to get out.

If she were here now, she'd calm him, in the way that only she can, in the way that he can to everyone else. Hers is the only mood which constantly reassured him, made him feel that there is love left in the world- real true love, not anger and hate and the greed and bitterness he'd been reborn into, but tender feelings and goodwill- and he can't remember the last time he told her how truly amazing she is. All he can remember is the snapping of his teeth, longing to penetrate Bella's neck, and her face, white as she sees Bella's death flash before her eyes yet again and failing to uphold her last request to him, as she fled from the room, "Just make sure _he_ doesn't find out," and his selfish parting words to her, "I want no part in this."

And he got his wish. Here he is, stuck on the outside, with nothing to do to help, no way of knowing. She tried to reassure him, she made him retrieve Emmett and Rosalie (which was made all the harder by the fact that Emmett knew a fight was probable in Italy) and she told him to stay. And that's all the part the fates will let him play.

But he knows her too well. He knew she was lying, when she told him she'd get out, no matter what. She isn't going to do everything she can to come back to him. She isn't going to come home without Edward and Bella and just take comfort in his arms. She's going to fight for them and die too. Because that's who she is, the reason why she went in the first place. And he knew this, and he let her go anyway, let her go alone, didn't go after her. Coward.

And now it's his fault really. Because he couldn't be strong the way she is- the way everyone else is, and had attacked Bella and forced Edward to act. Because he hadn't enough good feeling left in him to go back with her and hold her hand as she struggled through the funeral, comforting Charlie and expressing her own grief, because it had been his fault Bella had jumped (only maybe it wasn't). Because he hadn't stopped her from running off to Italy or insisted on joining her, and now she's alone in that place, alone and racing to save someone and probably not going to succeed. It's his fault that he's going to lose the only thing tying him to this world, because he had broken the lives of so many others. This is what he pays for the evil he had partaken in.

How he wishes that fate would punished him without hurting her.

And he doesn't know he'll survive without her and he's almost hyperventilating (except he really can't, because he doesn't require air) because of thoughts passing through his mind of how he's killed her. And that really shows how selfish he is, worrying about how _he'll_ go on in life. So maybe he should just ignore her pleas and go to Italy to die with her. Maybe there's still time to get on a plane and maybe help or die- either is better than this. Only he know he won't, because she asked him not to.

This is his penance. Not a fight which could potentially kill him, but which would at least be something- but the waiting. The wondering. The not knowing. Just watching while others fought to rectify the mistakes he made. And guessing that this waiting could kill him, not in an honourable, useful way, but in a crazed frenzy, which comes slowly and painfully and really don't help anyone- even him-

-And then her call comes in, and suddenly he can't stand. Suddenly it's like his breath is crucial and yet it won't come in. Suddenly it's like his heart is trying to beat for the first time in two centuries. Suddenly it's like her presence is coming to him all the way from Italy, hitting him as forcefully as it had that first time and leaving him reeling.

Because this is more than he could ever deserve. _She's_ more than he could ever deserve, managing to drag Bella and Edward home, alive and somehow together, leaving Volterra without a scratch, and still able to talk non-stop about a yellow Porsche she'd stolen which she keeps hinting at as a good welcome-home present. He can't speak and it annoys her that he's being silent, but her animated and slightly impatient tone is more than he had ever hoped to hear again-

-And as soon as he sees her face, he has to be closer, moving forward, barely noticing Edward (looking more peaceful than in a long time) or recognising Bella (cracked and dead-looking- but that may be due to the sleep deprivation), taking in her aura, relief and amusement alighting her face. And if he were to die right now, he wouldn't care (and he's pretty sure his heart is trying to restart itself so maybe that will happen sooner than expected); because her shining dark gold eyes are the last things he would want to see; her face the last thing he would want to feel, one hand gently pressed to her cheek; her voice, playfully teasing him, "I saved two people from suicide, managed to get them out of a city of vampires alive and flawlessly stole two cars- and look at you! You don't look like you've been out of bed the past two days!" the last thing he would want to hear; her presence the last thing he would want to be aware of, undisturbed by him and yet flawless.

"Just worrying that you would get yourself into some trouble with an angered Porsche enthusiast and I wouldn't be around to help you." He casually picks up an astray strand of her erratically dishevelled hair, putting it behind her ear, while secretly taking the scent in.

She pouts and tilts her head, starting to walk toward the others who are waiting to leave with them. She reaches out for his arm and instead he throws it around her waist, drawing her closer. If she's surprised that for once being with her isn't enough, that he needs to be as close as he can be, then she doesn't show it. She merely snuggles into his chest (not being tall enough to reach his shoulder) and sighs. "You worry too much," she mutters and she's never said a truer word...

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Because I love Jasper, and for once, he deserves to be happy. The end is way over me- but I had to end with the reunion, and not with the call like I planned, so I messed it up a little. But Jasper is happy, so meh. Review if you like and I think spelling is good for once (but as always be wary). 


End file.
